


Now we’re finally free

by An_enby_author



Category: Big Time Rush (Band), Big Time Rush (TV)
Genre: Griffin might show up idk I haven’t decided yet, Gustavo has fartherly traits because i have daddy issues, I feel like this is boring, I forgot to save my shit and idk what i put, Ive posted on Wattpad but thats it, James has some internalized homophobia, Logan and Kelly are the only ones with actual functioning brain cells, Logan is asexual, M/M, Some OOC, The tags will probably change, and no this wont be on Wattpad bc my family found my wattpad and I’m now scared to post there, bi James, but oh well, gay Kendall, this is my first story here on ao3, when I say some i mean a lot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-17 02:48:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29218239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/An_enby_author/pseuds/An_enby_author
Summary: Kendall knew he was gay since 8th grade, it wasn’t that much of a shock to him and he’s come to terms with it, but what he was scared of was telling everyone he knew Logan would be okay with it he’s too smart to be bigoted, Carlos would be cool as well his heart is full of too much love for hate, but James is who he was really afraid of. James is homophobic and not scared to show it. He grew up being told you have to make sacrifices for they person you love, so Kendall stayed in the closet to keep his best friend, who he may or may not be in love with. But with a different interpretation of the same saying, Kendall comes out. Was it worth it, does James come through or will things never be the same? Who knows..Oh yeah the tittle is from the song finally fre from julie and the phantoms
Relationships: James Diamond/Kendall Knight
Comments: 5
Kudos: 10





	1. Coming out

There Kendall was, in the bathroom hunched over the sink looking trough the mirror, trying to find any motivation to say those 2 tiny little words, 5 letters. It seems so simple but yet those 2 little words have the chance at ruining his life, he’s no longer some hockey player form Minnesota, he’s a member of a popular boy band, those 2 words don't only effect the people around him anymore or his small circle of friends, he now has thousands, maybe millions of fans around the world. There is no way this will stay private, everyone will find out, that’s probably the scariest part. It no longer his little secret any more, the whole world will know. There are too options at stake here, ruin his relationship with his friends and possibly ruin the band, or he can keep lying to himself. Neither are a good option but he needs to stop lying, to himself to everyone. “Some times you have to make sacrifices for the people you love.” Those words floated through his head. Its right, but he needs to stoop sacrificing himself for everyone else’s happiness, its time to sacrifice his relationships for his happiness because god damnit James might be the narcissistic one but Kendall is allowed to love himself too. He made his decision. He leaves the bathroom. 

He enters the studio where James, Logan, Carlos, his mom, Katie, Gustavo, and Kelly, they were rehearsing when Kendall ran off tot he bathroom. “Hey guys, i need to tell you something.” He said sitting on one of the couches with everyone else. “This is really hard for me to say but i just need to guys to Romberg I’m the same person i was before.” He looked up and everyone nodded while Logan and Carlos exchanged a look, having some sort of secret conversation.” 

“What is it? Are you a fag or something.” James interrupted, obviously joking and missed the tears in Kendall’s eyes, well that was mainly because Kendall was looking down, but that’s besides the point. 

“Uh yeah, i am.” Kendall replied not looking up until he felt 2 arms wrapped around him, he looked up to see his mom tears in her eyes. “I’m so proud of you.” She whispered. “Thank you mom.” Mostly everyone showed there acceptance, even Gustavo, who said “i don’t care how or where you like it but i still expect the same amount of effort from you as everyone else in the band.” Kendall couldn’t be more happy with the response of his coming out, looks like he wont need to cut everyone off. That was until some one ruined it. 

“You guys are really okay with this?!” James said.   
  


“Okay with what? Our best friend finally being true to him self? Yeah, we are. we are all aware about how you feel about gay people. So the fact he was brave enough to tell us, especially you, says a lot. So if you don’t accept him for who he is you can gladly fuck off.” Logan told him it wasn’t like him to stand up to anyone. 

“Fine. I don’t expect to share a room with him anymore.” James said before storming out. That’s when it hit Kendall and the flood gates opened. 

“He’s supposed to be my friend.” Kendall choked through the tears. 

“I know, but he’s an asshole but hopefully he’ll come around.” Carlos said, trying to confront his friend, though Kendall could only respond with choked sobs. 

* * *

Rehearsal was cut short, no one felt like singing, and in all honesty they couldn’t get anything done without James there. When they got back to the palm woods Carlos and Logan went down the pool while Kendall went back up to the apartment, just hoping James wont be there, he just needs to be alone. Kendall got to their apartment he found the door unlocked. He opened the door to see James sitting on the couch watching tv. Kendall walks passed him hoping he won’t notice. Thankfully Kendall was able to make it to his room, well old room, he has decided to share a room with Carlos and Logan, it will be a tight fit but it better than any of them sharping a room with James. Kendall was halfway though moving all of his stuff over when James enters the room. “Where are you moving, get kicked out. I wouldn’t expect any different it was only a matter of time.” 

“No I’m not getting kicked out, I’m just moving into Carlos and Logan’s room.” 

“Oh i bet you’ll love that.” 

“I don’t know what you mean.” 

“Really? You don’t? Your now sharing a room with 2 boys now instead of one. That doesn’t excite you at all.”

“No. It doesn’t, because I’m not a creep. Honestly they are practically my brothers, i just cant see them that way, and i have impulse control unlike you.” 

“i cant help but notice you never said anything about not being attracted to me.” James has cornered Kendall and he cant move and is very obviously uncomfortable. 

“Gross. Absolutely disgusting. I didn’t mention you because you aren’t a brother to me anymore. You lost that when i came out. And besides, i have taste.” He said squirming out of James’s grip. Though his word about James not being a brother to him was true, Kendall always saw him as more, hoped he would eventually be more, but that was wishful thinking, especially now more than ever. As Kendall was leaving James said one more thing. “How do you know they want to share a room with you.”

“Because they told me specifically ‘i would rather die then share a room with James.’ Ask them and they can tell you themselves.” Kendall said before turning around and walking into his room.

* * *

That night Jennifer made the genius executive decision of having a family dinner. If you cant tell that went beautifully. Kendall’s mom was at one end of the table with Katie at the other, Carlos was next to Logan and Kendal was next to James. Not a single word was said. Well Jennifer tried to make conversation. “Well how was everyone’s day?” 

“I think we all know how mine was.” Kendall responded glaring at James. 

“I’m with Kendall on this one, today sucked.” Katie said understanding what all happened also glaring at James. 

“I’m think we all feel that way.” Logan said. 

“Yep, I agree. James is an ass.” Carlos said like James wasn’t sitting across from him. 

“Hey! I dont even know what i did wrong!” James yelled defensively 

“You know exactly what you did wrong! You abandoned your best friend when he needed you!” Carlos. 

“I’m sorry i refuse to be friends with a fag.” 

“I’m sorry but there is no scientific evidence to back up homophobia, but their is to back up gay people, you aren’t even religious so you cant use that but even if you did anything about being gay wasn’t mentioned in the Bible till the 40’s so the government could justify making it illegal, breaking the rule of separation between church and state. So therefore you are as Carlos put it, an ass.” Logan cut in with some logical information. 

“I cant believe that you guys will support something as unnatural as Kendall, but wont support me and my opinions.” By now Kendall has left the table, not wanting to deal with everyone. 

“Okay, there is a lot wrong with that sentence so I’m going to break this down for you. Being gay is not unnatural it occurs in nature, and what you have that you are claiming as ‘opinions’ is bigotry, human rights aren’t an opinion your just an ass. Homophobia is not a thing, you cant be afraid of gay people what could you be afraid of, nothing. Just accept you are bigoted and move on.” Logan defends and James just groans and walks out. “I won.” Logan says and smiled triumphantly. 

* * *

Kendall found himself crying in a bathroom for the 2nd time in 24 hours. This time he was curled up in the corner crying into his knees. Why cant he control these stupid feelings its not fair. Why did he have to feel this way for someone who hates him so much. “Kendall, you alright?” Logan’s voice came from the other side of the door. A sob just came in response so Logan took that as a no and opened to the door, when he entered the bathroom he found Kendall curled up in the corner tears staining his cheeks. He sat down next to him and wrapped him into a hug. “Kendall, what’s wrong?“

“I don’t really want to talk about it.” He responded, its not that he didn’t want to, he couldn’t it hurt too much. 


	2. Repression can be very bad indeed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Kendall are stuck in the apartment together, shit happens

A week passed since Kendall’s coming out, not much has happened. Kendall had been sharing a room with Carlos and Logan, and James seemed to be ignoring him so all was good, for the most part, Kendall could feel James’s glares of an unpin pointed emotion. Big time rush was taking an indefinite break, well until James got his shit together, the press also got hold of Kendall’s coming out, not that he was really being discreet, he was caught on several dates over the pass few day’s, though none of them had that spark he was looking for. For the most part though things were looking up, the media took it as good as possible for 2009. 

Usually Kendall’s days ran smoothly, though today was different, everyone was out and James and Kendall were stuck in the apartment together. James just couldn’t stop making noises of disgust, it was getting really annoying. “Okay, what’s your problem with me?” Kendall asked, he was genuinely confused, James had to know that Kendall didn’t choose to be the way, they him if he could choose straight he would’ve (I can’t blame you Kendall, my whole family refuses to accept the fact I don’t like any one _that_ way, it’s aggravating). 

“Really? I’m the one with the problem? Last time I check I don’t like to take it up the ass.” James said, toxicity dripping from his voice.   
  


“Well homophobia is cause by one of 2 things, repression or ignorance, so for all we know, you might.” Kendall argues back, using a statistic he made up (but it honestly probably true.). 

“You lying.” James said, almost terrified, ‘what are you hiding James?’ Kendal thought to himself.  
  


* * *

  
The fight continued for hours, back and forth interrogating and accusing the other of different thing, some not even involving the topic at hand. James was saying something stupid about how gay people were wrong and how Kendall was gross, when randomly in a fit of anger and confusion he just kissed Kendall. Kendall shoved him off and ran, leaving a confused James behind him.   
  


What was James feeling, he knew it was wrong, he always told himself that, it was gross, disgusting, and unnatural to like someone of the same gender, it was just plain logic, there is a reason boys and girls can make children together, not two girls or two boys, it just didn’t work that way. James has always like girls, he’s know this since before he could remember, he remembered his first crush, a girl named Ashley in his 5th grade class. He always liked girls, it was common sense, so why did he feel this way for Kendall, why was there a sense of relief when Kendall came out, all these questions James had been ignoring have been sheltered again, but this time he couldn’t make them go away, he had to face his problems head on, no more pushing them away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this so so short for such a long wait, I kinda forgot about this, so I figured that a small update was better than nothing ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 
> 
> Also if anyone knows what the chapter title is from I will love you forever


End file.
